Hello people. Tomorrow's my day off in a stretch. So, it's Friday up to Tuesday. 5 days, office-free days. Heaven. So, I'll be busy for the next five days and obviously I won't be anywhere near internet or a PC. Therefore, I give you a couple of thousand words to keep you warm and wet while I'm gone, just in case I don't ever come back.
This is me trying to master the art of the Malay-Islamic caligraphy, the Jawi. Can you figure out the writing? No? HAHAHA. I know, I suck at it. Actually it reads, KURA. Kaf, Wau, Ra, Aliff. KURA, phonetically speaking. I heard something on TV in the news, of some kura-kura with no legs (tortoise have legs? Paddle? Limbs?) that has been given a set of rollers/small whells and then the kura-kura immediately mated with a partner (talk about celibacy. But with no legs, no chick would come crawling, eh? You can't crawl on the bitch's back for a doggie pose with n back legs, can ya'?). So, I just doodled the Arabic numerals over and over while waiting for my dinner at Bob's Diner. So, it reads KURAKURAKURAKURAKURA (REPEAT TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE FACE).
My promised zoo escapade pictures. Now the entrance. There were like a gazilion people there. But of course you don't see them in the pic. I honestly swear, it was like a public orgy there. I wonder why parents think a trip to the zoo would make childhood a better period of living for the kids. I had a terrible time at the zoo when I was small. I almost got mauled by a squirrel! Damn those furry critters! I was deeply traumatised of course, up until now. Which explains the present condition of my social misfit syndrome, it is a kind of a natural reverse effect towards the injustice I was imposed on at the zoo during my very important phase of childhood.
The entrance, in close-up. Cool sign I must admit. They should put animal statues on top of the letters. More like a zoo then. Now, for some retards, it might read SCRAP METAL WAREHOUSE with all those embossed shining alphabets. But I could be wrong of course.
The entrance wrist tag. On my wrist that was. I know it looks like as if it was wrapped around my ankle, but it was really my wrist. I swear.
As always, the backup ammunition. Just in case the trip would be a bore. One of my latest purchase towards wisdom. Nicola Barker's (Woof, woof!). It's about a man who suspects that his child is actually a reincarnation of the devil from the past, that his wife was raped/consensually got intimate with a devil. A bit twisted I must say. But you know me. I'm twisted like that. I never got past the third page. Barker's diction is almost impossible, even for an outstanding intellect like moi.
Meet my friend, Mr.Francois, the tortoise (turtle?) who squrried with the speed of light! I swear to God I never witnessed any tortoise that ran like he did. Like, one minute he was munching on kangkung in one corner, but then the next minute he was on the other side of the cage trying to face-fcuk a hot female. I couldn't believe my eyes and decided to wait a bit more and I finally witnessed the cutest tortoise-dash of my life. Ever. Imagine this. Small feet with rapid super movements attached to a huge shell on the back. I almost cried myself silly watching him. Nothing gets any cuter than a horny running tortoise.
These are small tortoises. HAHAHA. Dumb statement. Well, these are cute too. Cute small ones, with yellow lines on sides of their necks up to the tip of their noses. Let's call them Kura-kura Berhidung Belang Malaya. Can?
Now, the House of Reptiles. The coolest place in the zoo. I stayed there for more than 2 hours, scrutinizing each and every exhibit. Amazing. I was dumbstuck. All reptiles in one place. Steve Irwin would flip! In the highlighted red circles, are the two most terrifying pythons I have ever laid my eyes on. Huge snakes. I wonder if their keepers feed them with midgets. we have a lot of midgets in Malaysia. I mean, how could such creatures grow so big? Sorry for the bad attempt to draw the circles. I have shaky hands I guess. Or is it that I'm THAT talentless that I couldn't even draw circles with a mouse?? I think it was the faulty mouse. Definitely the mouse.
The monster serpent in zoom mode. Sorry for the bad quality of the image. I have been told, continuously, for numerous times that I have a very good editorial aesthetic judgement. This is just a bad camera phone that I purchased. Bad bad camera phone.
Hmm... Those are pterodactyls, the allegedly extinct prehistoric flying dinosaurs. One Zambian zoologist found a flock of them living harmoniously in Gua Niah, Sarawak, near Selangor. Cool beaks. Bald heads. Which reminded me of one of my lecturers back in Uni. Can't recall his name, but he is a baldy like that.
Anaconda. Cool shiny scales with deep dark piercing eyes. Reminded me of Jennifer Lopez. I wonder why... I asked my sister but she said I was a nutter and that I should stop thinking about ass because it's mentally not healthy. Is it true? Ass are mentally discouraging? Even J.Lo's? Please tell me it is one of the lies Moms tell to their kids. Please.. please.. please..
Another beautiful one. Crimson red prints with hues of orange. Exotic and daring looking. Would look better if it were my shoes.
Vine-snakes. Skinny looking, big headed. Like, the supermodels of the serpent world. Fast moving, they seem to float weightlessly from twig to twig. I used to catch those skinny ones back during we went balik kampung to my home town. Abundant of them in the bushes. Tame, non-poisonous and funny looking. I kept them in bottles/jars. Mrs.Mommy later finally found out where the missing jars and bottles went. She gave me one big lecture on responsibility and animal rights. She was furious to find all those jars in the garage filled with dead snakes in them. Sheesh. Moms.
A tree viper. Highly poisonous. Could kill in minutes. Strike at lightning speed and mostly found in wet woody areas. Wet woody areas do not include horny human groins.
An albino python. Lonesome and sad. I mean, just look at him. No snake is more beautiful and lonelier than him. It is a curse to be that beautiful. I understand that on a deep personal level. That explains why I don't have friends. I am beautiful and lonely. We beautiful creatures have to endure life's cruel punishment for being good looking. I feel you, Mr. Yellow!
These are red-spotted wild Tibetan horses. This species has very long necks. It is believed that their ancestors got their necks stuck between some logs and the necks got longer when they tried to free themselves.
More red-spotted wild Tibetan horses for your viewing pleasure. During the Jurassic era, it was believed that they had bat-like wings. Like the Northern Andes apes and the West India's fishes. But when they found food on land, they shed the wings and settled for being land grazers. Amazing creatures, huh? Talk about girls with long necks and sexy skinny legs!
These are iguanas. Giant ones. Some sort of mutated species. They could imitate human voice. The one on the top was singing Cranberry's Zombie when I walked past. A bit off key though. Pitching lari.
That's a leopard. Very-very nice skin. They put him in a cage, fully covered. I bet he is bored being kept in a cage like that. Tried to pick the lock to let him out but one animal keeper said the cat can't live outside the cage due to possible lice infestation.
A croc. Huge. Not the crappy sandals but a real one. I wanted to make a circle to make him more obvious but my previous attempts proved to be disastrous. Bad mouse.
Ho ho ho. These are pygmy crocs. So cute I almost cuddle them!!! Like, a foot long each, big popping eyes with cute croaking sounds. How cute can crocs be? No wonder Steve loved them. Peace, Steve. * Don't you think, Steve's eldest daughter, Bondi, looks a bit crocodile-ish? I'm just saying y'all...
Those are giant pandas. People think they are extinct but we still have a couple here in Malaysia. And those heaps are their dungs. High pharmaceutical values. Could cure AIDS.
One in close up. Cute panda, huh? The long tube attached to his face is a sort of natural device to transfer the sperm from their brains into the female's anus. Yes, those are the panda's dick. HUGE dick! Hence explains the origin of A DICKFACE.
The precious dung in close-up. Collected fresh and wet and warm, the stool is diluted into a thick concoction and AIDS patients snort the green liquid using the nose. Those who have runny nose could just spread the still-warm stool onto breads (full-grain preferably) as sandwiches. After 3 days, AIDS is like only a common flu. Amazing what we achieve in natural biotechnology nowadays.
This is found at the parking lot at my office. What do you think of the 'glorious' metallic stickers? I know the owner must had almost cracked his brain to come up with the design and shit. I mean, look at those blinding stickers. It looks like a lot of effort and time were harboured in producing such masterpiece. But really, why would anyone do that to a car? Don't all sticker with all those brands bring enough humiliation? Do you really have to add more macha kind of stuff onto the body of the car? For the sake of art, GOD SAVE HUMANITY!
Again, in close-up. Really? Wow!!!! You are like, the MOST talented human being ever roamed the earth. Elton John would've cried and turned straight after seeing this.
Bored. Waiting for my laundry to finish. One minute left. The longest one single minute of my yesterday.
The same minute. I can't simply stand idleness. I might look like a retard if I stay idle. I tried stopping my breathing while waiting for the minute to pass but I almost blacked out after 15 seconds. I should really quit smoking.
This is the Maggi Sup Seafood I had last nite. I know this might give you a severe, even might prove fatal coronary attack but I lost a bit of my appetite lately. Yes, shocking, isn't it? I eat more pasta and noodles lately. Maggi is categorised as some sort of an Asian pasta right?
A wedding gift from a newly wed officemate. A bag of sweets, muffin and more stuff inside, I can't really remember. When I first got it, I told a friend that the bag reminded me of a bra. A Victoria Secret's perhaps. The friend said I was a horny nutter (a lot of people think that I am a sort of a nutter lately. It breaks my heart. I am a very very serious man you know? Why can't people see that?).
Okay, look again. It does remind you of a bra, right? Look very very carefully please. Tell me I'm not a stupid horny nut.
How about this one? Like the lace from a pink bra right? Right? Right? See, I told you I'm not one horny ass nutter!!Okey, I'm done here. I'm off tomorrow. For five days. Five full days. Woo-hoo! You all can rot in your offices and die a slow painful death.
Ciao.
*And that's Italian for Good-bye. Just in case you are not that bright.
xoxo,
Me, Lucillus The Great.
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